My fears in life have changed during the past couple of years with the three major ones being: fear of death, fear of infertility, and most recently my fear of relationships and committment. As my spiritual journey becomes more rooted in the Creator my fear of death has dissipated; moreso to the point where I have more questions than fear of dying. My fear of not being able to conceive will always remain until I have a child of my own, even though I desire 2! My fear of relationships I believe is more of fear of committment. I spoke about this in a note that i posted on facebook:
June 19, 2008
I've been journeying off to the park these past couple of days. Here's what I wrote today that I wanted to share and get some insight on:
Deep thoughts penetrating my brain until it hurts: headache. Thinking about the woman I have/am becoming: uninhibited, constant like change; something that I embrace. Wondering if my love for change feeds my fear of commitment. Because change is forever constant, sometime positive; others negative, commitment doesn't hold the same elements.
I can deem myself loyal, dependable; those words are temporary; can take different shape due to its context, can become simplistic or complex all in one sentence, but its denotation always changing.
Commitment holds an anchor; weighted by grief or despair, unexcited by its unchanging ways. But can the rules of commitment be bended to work in my favor? In a way that I don't shy away from it, hide from it, go around the mulberry bush because of it?
As I look back on these words about a month shy from being a year ago, I notice that I still feel the same way. That I still have these so-called fears. But ultimately I don't think it's a fear of committment or relationships, I think it's a fear of relinquishing control. Yesterday I was reading an article from dailyom.com about allowing others to be: controlling behavior, when what I realize that I need to allow MYSELF to be.
What do you think I can do to help relinquish some of this control? What do you do to help yourself relinquish control on certain things of your life?
The Proverbs 31 Man
6 days ago
1 comments:
I could say that it's simple, and it is but it is still just as difficult. I say 'God have your way. I understand that you laugh when I make plans. Your plans for my life are of you and prdestined. I'll let go, because I'm not really in control anyway, and watch life unfold. As it unfolds I'll be sure to be quiet and listen to your voice as to not make mistakes." With that I pray, meditate and listen to His voice... with that the fear is GONE. Faith the size of a mustard seed, right?! He always... ALWAYS without a doubt works it out for the BEST, better than I ever could have planned.
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